At this point,

Finals are next week. 

I'm fucking up my first semester of college. 

My boyfriend won't talk to me. 

I feel like crying and punching 5 million things at the same time. 

Fuck. 

Light

I guess right now, I'm just waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm waiting for the one candle to light and the rest to follow. 

I'm waiting for that one lantern to chain the rest like in tangled. 

It'll happen. 

I know. 

All In My Head:

It goes like this; 

The pissed me goes; FINE. Then be so annoyed and done with everything with some other bitch then. I'm trying to be happy for you so you can have a happy girlfriend to support you. I don't want you to have to deal with my fucking problems. That's why I'm trying to do this. 

The sad me goes; fine..I'll just sleep and sleep and sleep and you can go find another girl and be happy cause that's the main importance.. I'll support you.. 

The logical me goes; stop talking. Stop. Talking. To him. Tonight. You're just gonna screw yourself over and it's not gonna end well and this fight is just really stupid because he isn't telling you much and you're too emotionally overtaken. Stop. 

The emotional me goes; fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm sad. Fuck. I'm pissed. Fuck. I guess I'll just go be a little bitch in a corner by myself. 

The rest of me goes; WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FUCKED UP YOU LITTLE BITCH. stop talking to yourself and go vent your feelings so you don't screw things up with a guy that you love. Now go. 

And then sleep. And just hope for the best. Why do I hafta love a guy when I'm not even close to good enough for him..

3 words.

I miss you. 

Ok.

2 and a half fucking hours, and all I get is an Ok. 

Cool. Thanks. 

I definitely feel like the best girlfriend in the world, I definitely feel like even a good girlfriend, or even your girlfriend. 

Fuck you. 

What's even worse is that I'm not gonna get mad at you, I'm not even gonna tell you. 

Cause we can't fight. 

We don't fight. 

And even if we do, you don't even try to confront anything, and I can barely stay mad at you for more than like 3 hours. 

Just. 

Fuck. 

Save Myself.

Life isn't a game of hide and hide. 

We're not supposed to hide ourselves every time someone finds us. 

Life is a game of hide and seek. 

Where we are supposed to stick with the one that finds us hiding. 

That person is the person that knows you the most. 

Especially when you're hiding where no one can find you. 

But I'm hiding where no one can find me. 

And no one is gonna come looking for me. 

I'm gonna be here forever. 

Not because I'm not gonna have some regular old prince come rescue me. No. That's not what I want. 

This isn't something that I want my best friends for. I love them, but this is for my special one. 

No significant other has ever stayed. 

Not past a span of 10 months.. 

So what do I do now? 

I don't know what to do while I'm stuck hiding..

Because people are gonna walk by me and no one will actually stop and stick by me while I get out of my hiding spot that I dug...

I don't want anyone to save me. 

I just want someone to stay with me while I save myself..

So...

you know I did like you back then...2 years ago.. I just really didnt know what to do...I'd been in a situation before where I had a bf and this other guy came along. But the other guy ended up just being some jackass who wanted to see if he could get me to break up with my bf..and you were a white guy. A freshman. Someone I barely knew and was honestly kinda really scared to get to know, cause you were always really funny and entertaining and charming and shit. Idk. I guess I just put myself through the pain of being dumped before I got to you, even if you do end up dumping me too. But it's probably not even close to what I put you through.. And it turned out that I was the total bitch...idk why you stuck with waiting, whatever it is I really am happy you did..but I really am sorry too..for all the bullshit you had to go through.. 

I wonder

What would it have been like to meet my grandparents....

What advice they would have given me... 

Been able to be bored and listen to their stories...

Been able to learn more Chinese...

Been able to see the resemblance between my mother and them and myself and them... 

I wonder what it must have been like for them...

For my mom... 

I wish I could talk to them just once..something that will never happen..but a wish I'll always have.

Yeap. Thanks for reminding me that I'm the crappiest kid you could ever have. 

me plus life.

yeah.
i'm so done with life. so much crap it's unbelievable.
i'm me.
nowhere near perfect.
-i eat when i'm bored, i fall for boys easily, but i'll always love that one guy at the end of the day. i'm vulnerable, i'm bitchy, i'm mean, i live by my quotes every day of my life, i have best friends and enemies, if anyone so much as makes fun of my friends, i swear i will beat the living fucking daylight out of them, i'm dramatic, i have memories that i live off of, i'm emotional, and stupid. and absolutely contradictory.
-i'm weak. 
-i'm strong. 
-i'm ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
that is just who i am. got a problem? well i don't live, to serve bitches in life. SO DEAL WITH IT.
i shouldn't have to live my life pleasing a bunch of no good bitches that don't do anything to make me feel any better.

i'm the imperfectly perfect me. 

SOWHYCAN'TIDOANYTHINGPERFECT..

what if

so... what if i don't make it?
what if you find another girl in high school?
what if i do make it? then what?
what if i change my major?
what if it's a mistake being in music?
what if i stay in music and i fuck my whole life up?
what if i change my major and that's a mistake?
what if you just up and leave me?
what if things change while i'm gone?
what if you change while i'm gone?
what if you find another person to replace me?
what if you realize that there are better girls out there?
what if you don't miss me?
what if someone else comes and takes you away from me?
what if college isn't all that everyone is saying it will be?
what if i get too homesick?
what if i don't make friends?
what if i'm really scared...

there are so many what if's in my life right now.
i just wanna get up and run away from everything.
just. just fuck everything man.
i wanna cry and have a bunch of chocolate and then run away and then go to the beach and then go to disneyland and then live there and stay there for the rest of my life.
gawd.

summer

i just want a nice clean, cool, fun, stress free summer.
for once in my life.
is that so bad to ask for?

why can't i have just that... it's not that hard is it?
god damn.
why do i mess up everything good i try and have.

i really just need to do something

like.
my life right now is full of so much stress that i'm going crazy. i haven't had this overload on stress since like, maybe never? i'm so worried i'm not passing my classes cause i dgafed so hard and senior year. and if i don't pass, i'm so screwed and i can't graduate, and if i can't graduate i'm gonna like. kill myself. i just.
i can't handle myself right now.
i have so much shit to do. i stopped cussing for like 4 days. new record. and that was it. i can't. i just i can't do anything anymore. i really feel like just crying right now. and i don't even know why. i'm like shaking from all the crap i'm going through right now. and i just wanna be happy.
i'm getting shit from people because i moved on fast. well you know what? it wasn't fast for me. so screw whatever you think. cause that one week that i didn't talk to him, that one week that i left myself alone and was just depressed as fuck, it felt like years. it felt so long that by the end i realized, why the hell am i so depressed? i don't need to be. he doesn't care about me like that. so why am i like this? i don't need to be. so i stopped. plus talking to him actually helped. talking to the person who right now is making everything seem so much better for me. it helped. it made me realize that i just don't even need to try with that anymore. so why the fuck am i?
right?
so screw you people.

i have so much stuff to do my mind is getting tangled in webs and lines and circles? i just typed circles like 5 times because i couldn't even type it right.
i have to make sure i pass and get good grades in those 2 classes especially, i hafta make sure everything for college is set, i hafta get the disney grad nite thing done, i hafta set up for the banquet, i hafta practice piano like my life depends on it (which i does), i hafta practice with wataru, i hafta do the chinese project, i should probably get a message for the thing, class comp on friday, lesson and rehearsals next week, i'm graduating, i have a 2 day final the next 2 days, i have a final next week, i have another final next week.
i can't.. i can't do this anymore... i hafta rant.

i just really wanna eat my heart out, exercise my butt off, cry my eyes out, and watch disney movies and fall asleep with you right now... i just wanna talk to you. i just wanna hear your voice and see your face. let me know that i'm not alone.. that everything will be okay... i miss you..
i just want you here with me right now... i just want a full nice day with you alone. so we can just...party it up, talk, laugh, eat, just have fun with you. i want to be with you right now.
honestly, at the moment, that's all i want...

i hate being so weak.
i hate being so crappy.
and mean.
and annoying.
and ranty.
and stupid.
and stressed.
and weak.
and i hate the fact that i can't do anything right.
right now,
i just don't wanna be me.. 

Something.

So there's something stirring in me, like a gut feeling kinda, that something bad is happening. 

Something very bad is happening. 

Something that will leave me left alone again... 

I'm not sure though...

And I'm tired of being so negative with everything and everything that is going in with my life. There are things that I just can't handle anymore....I wanna just relax, party, have fun. 

i am so. Fucking. Tired. Of. My life. Being so negative. And so crappy. 

Ugh. 

Anyway. 

suck it in! 

I got this. 

life so farr.

"That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save"

we talked. 

i'm happy. (: 

it all seems so much better now hahaha. 

but... you still seem kinda...off. 

i feel like there's something you're not telling me... what aren't you telling me though..? and why won't you tell me..? and is there something wrong with me or something..? idk... haha. 

but other than that. i mean. i'm happy with most things. 

it's hard... it was hard. 

that week felt like forever. i know it was only 7 days but it felt like 5 months or something... it was so long, and torturous, and saddening for me... but then i started talking to him. and it made things seem not as bad. 

as much as that sounds really weird and kinda bad ish? i mean, who else would be there for me when you're not? that's the thing right? i'm not good with friends that are girls. maybe that's why... or something. i'm not exactly sure... i'm not the best.. hahaha. but i'm really happy with being your friend now. so... we're okay yeah? i still wanna help you as much as possible because i know that there is always something you might want help with. so just lemme know. (: 

you're my best friend.

that will never change. 

on another note, i can't wait for prom ahaha. well, i mean, idk. i thought things were gonna be good good but probably not all good but who cares. i got a good date. we're having good conversations. i'm happy with that much. trying to focus on the happier things. 

screw the shit that makes me depressed lol. 

Lemme ask.

Do you even appreciate me being your gf? A tiny bit?
Probably not.
I'm not just some girl that's gonna be here for entertainment purposes when you're bored. Just saying.
I love you.
But come on....

Second ?

I absolutely love being second to League....and I admit it's fun and entertaining but I guess it's more important than me...
Joy..

choices

always interfering in my choices. 

always having some kind of problem with all of my choices. 

at some point in life, you're not gonna be able to make all my choices for me, mother
and then, i ask you what the hell i did wrong, and you don't even give me a decent or right answer... ugh..

Joy....

More fighting between my parents.. About money.
Again...
I have a feeling my sleep is gonna be restless tonight. Thinking about why and me and all that I've caused...again..

i need to have more fun more often

mistakes

i think one of the hardest things for me to do, is to go past my mistakes in life and everything that is going wrong and all the crap that is happening, and learn from it and be happy with even all that stuff going on. i don't know why it is so hard for me.. 

but i think the problem is, that i start to get happy and everything even though my life isn't really all that great, and then i start thinking. that's where everything gets me. i think. 

i over think. 

i under think. 

i use my head too much and think of all the possibilities of everything and anything in the world, and then i get rid of all the positive opportunities and all that's left is everything negative that has happened or that will or that is or just anything.

i keep on over thinking. 

i have my dreams and i don't give up on them, but then my mind causes trouble and it over thinks and i have a hard time stopping it. it makes me just wanna scream and shout and let it all out. and cry and collapse and fall and curl up into a ball and just cry and cry and cry and disappear until somebody.. reaches out to help me.. so i won't cry alone, so i have a shoulder to cry on... 

everything that's been happening. 

if i don't let it all out, soon enough, it's gonna eat me from the inside. i already know it. 

all the mistakes that i have made, am making, and will make, what do i do? i mean i know i have to fix them, so why don't i fix them? what is wrong with me... 

i just wanna scream... and cry.... and curl up into a ball.... but then i also want someone to save me.. 

i know i shouldn't. and i know i don't half the time. most of the time i just want someone to hold my hand and be there for me while i save myself. 

but right now.. i just need someone to save me... help me let it out and just.. help me as i cry... 

idk what's wrong with me.. idk what to do anymore..

cause i know exactly who i want it to be..

"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true. "- Cinderella

"No doubt you saw the whole pretty picture in detail. The young prince bowing to the assembly. Suddenly, he stops, he looks up, for lo... there she stands. The girl of his dreams, who she is or whence she came, he knows not, nor does he care, for his heart tells him that here, here is the maid predestined to be his bride." 

♥
I wanna watch Cinderella...all those Disney princess movies and stories.. all those happy endings. Right now, that's all I want...

I'm a failure. I'm a disappointment. I'm not worthy.
What the fuck am I doing with life if I can't do anything right.

well.

i'm sorry to everyone that has met me because i am possibly the worst person to have met and to have in their lives.
i hate feeling like this. like i'm not worth anything, that no one really cares, that i'm just completely alone and disliked and am the worst possible person in this world. i hate feeling sorry for myself. i'm not that fucking bad, am i? i may not be an amazing freakin queen, but i sure as hell am an amazing freakin princess.
i'm not perfect. i hate myself for that. but thanks to everyone for letting me know that i am quite possibly the worst person that they could have in their lives.

i'm a horrible daughter, friend, person, whatever.
i really want someone to just hug me and kiss me on the forehead and say that they're lucky to have me, and really mean it.

but apparently life never works out for me.

everybody sucks. i'm going back to anime world.

"see, it in your mind, and you can find. in your imagination. tales of enchantment, beauty and romance, happily ever after."

i WILL find my happiness and get my perfect life back again and it'll all be amazing again.
i'll go back to that time when i had the amazing life. just like 2 months ago.
it wasn't exactly perfect. but it was darn freakin close.
i know it. fershure. no more worrying.
i'll get it.

"her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high."

"you know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? 

that's where i will always love you. that's where i'll be waiting."-Peter Pan
"see, it in your mind, and you can find in your imagination. tales of enchantment, beauty and romance, happily ever after."-Disney
"it's crazy, because i don't even know when you became so important to me. it's like watching a snowstorm. you see the flakes falling, but you don't realize how they're adding up. then suddenly, your whole lawn is covered. all those little things have added up. and you're like my snowstorm."

"well... the thing is, i love you more than i thought i could. and it's scaring the shit out of me.. i wish i could easily tell you how i feel about you but when i'm with you, i'm speechless..."

i'm sorry i constantly wanna talk to you, i'm sorry when you take a little long to reply, i get sad. i'm sorry if i say things that might annoy you. i'm sorry if i come off as annoying. i'm sorry if you don't wanna talk to me as much as i wanna talk to you. i'm sorry if i think about you too much and too often. i'm sorry if i tell you about my pointless day when you don't really care. i'm sorry if i come off as being clingy, but..i just miss you..
i think i might be scared because, you mean more to me than anyone else... and that's big.. i get scared a lot. sorry..
but i don't want to let anyone in, except you..
i'm sorry. 

run away?

"Instead of some awkward relationship of love that doesn’t last for thousands of years
The distance between you and I is like a road full of traffic, it’s just feels hopeless, we aren’t even far or close
I think it’s about time we got closer, I’m a little impatient, but I’m not being forceful
I just want to escape the nervousness and uncertainty of losing you
I want to walk with you on a bright sunny day

Because of you you you you
I only think of you
you you you Now
Love me, love me, only look at me"

maybe i'll just run away. no one would look for me, would they? i hate being like this.. being the me that i don't want anyone to see.. weak and stupid and helpless and useless. this isn't how my parents are, or my friends, or anybody around me. the me who wishes that someone would care... why am i like this? is this what always happens when i open up... i let people in and nobody likes what they see and everyone just runs away. i'm left alone again. 

exposed, open. 

sad.. 

maybe i'll just take my phone, charger, earphones, and just walk away. walk away with my music from life that seems to hate me so much and kick me in the ass every time something good happens. it would make everyone else's life much better too. but if i don't run away now, i just gotta bear it. smile and purge on my internet diary. i'm fine. of course. right? right.

Monster

I love you baby I’m not a monster
You know how I was in the past
When time passes, it’ll all disappear
Then you will know baby

I need you baby I’m not a monster

You know me so don’t leave like this

If even you throw me away, I will die

I’m not a monster

You have a lot to do

Maybe it's true, maybe I do have a lot to do...
Piano, School, College, Family, Boyfriend.

When did all of these things pile up into one?
Even then, the big things have sub categories what the hell...

-Piano and College go together to make the college auditions.
-Piano, just by itself I have the exams and then panel for CM.
-College, well, apps are done but idk if I'm ready emotional to be gone from all my friends and my family..
-School, clubs.
-School, SCHOOL.
-School, FINALS.
-Family, I miss having all the time to my family.
-Family and Boyfriend go together to make it missing time with both of them at the same time. Having fun get togethers with family and with the boyfriend there.
-Boyfriend, I miss going on dates. The last time we went on one was the first time in like a month. And even then it was just a movie... meh. BUT ONE OF THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD I WILL SAY. hehehe.

juggling everything...
sometimes,
I feel like collapsing....
or running away...
or something..