now.

at the moment.
i feel like shit.
i don't know what to do. i want to cry myself to sleep every night and i want to just be like sleeping beauty and sleep for like 50 years and escape from all my fears, escape my problems, i want to run away from it all. i'm trying to see if anyone is home, but it's not working very well... i can't deal with this shit.
i can't deal with myself.
but i know i can't run away from my problems either. i'm not that kind of person. i never run away from my problems. i'm too stubborn. stubborn as fuck. i swear i am mental. i need help.
you know in howl's moving castle where she could switch worlds and there was the one world with the small cottage and the clear field with just fluffy grass and amazing open space and field and land, i want to go to a place like that. where there's no one except for me and my thoughts.  where i can tumble and run around and be a little kid. i can't do a cartwheel but hey maybe i can try there. somewhere where i'm safe, nothing to worry about. no school. no college apps. no transcripts. no grades. no piano worries. no stupid people. no holidays. no homework. no projects. no video games. no tv.
just an unlimited amount of music supply, my grand piano, paper, pen, and me.
but as much as i want to, i can't run away. never.

right now,
i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do...