why am i always the last choice? why am i considered the nice girl? of course it’s because i’m the bitch that obviously no one can like. and then when someone likes me they’re big fat assholes or they are obviously lying. it’s like “i am writing the story that will never end in my heart, i will hold on to you i won’t let you go. even today, i’m still in the story of you and i that hasn’t ended, in fiction. I will say this again, one more time Right now you are next to me I’m believing like that (But Fiction) I’m the writer who lost his purpose. The end of this novel, how am I supposed to write it (My own Fiction) I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I keep writing these 3 words (Everything is Fiction) Setting the warn out pen on the old paper stained in tears EVERYTHING IS FICTION. This story can’t be happy or sad Right now I’m writing such a happy story.
But it is all just a wish still.”
i can’t do it. i’m always that nice girl but then again i’m the bitch. i’m both and i get nothing. i don’t get the nice guy. i don’t get the bad guy. i get none of the above. i’m always that last resort. that last choice. no one notices me until i’m the last choice there. well duh of course not. knowing me and all my friends. i would choose them too. so why the hell can’t i be like them? why can’t i be as pretty as them, or as sexy, or as cute, or as smart, or as nice, or as amazing, or ANYTHING. i’m always that last choice. even when i have a guy. i’m still his last choice. i’m always the last choice.
am i too nice? hell no.
am i too bitchy? not even.
maybe it’s just cause i’m me.
and i just.
fail.
everything else is crumbling too. it’s not like my world is staying together very well. fuck school. fuck grades. fuck college apps. fuck the process of getting into college. fuck ap’s. fuck dreams. fuck trying to actually get something done with my life. i swear one day i am going to run away and kill myself. nah maybe i’ll just run away and just disappear from the world. i won’t answer any texts, i won’t pick up any calls, i won’t respond to any emails, i won’t contact anyone I know, I won’t do anything to harm anyone, I won’t be around, I won’t make people’s lives worrisome, I just won’t be there. I am just gonna run away for no one to see me and notice me. So no one can see my faults, no one can see me cry, I swear, one day I’m just gonna run away. Run away and cry. Run away and sleep. Run away and dream of a better place. Run away and have fun. Run away to a new world where none of my worries exist.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
now.
at the moment.
i feel like shit.
i don't know what to do. i want to cry myself to sleep every night and i want to just be like sleeping beauty and sleep for like 50 years and escape from all my fears, escape my problems, i want to run away from it all. i'm trying to see if anyone is home, but it's not working very well... i can't deal with this shit.
i can't deal with myself.
but i know i can't run away from my problems either. i'm not that kind of person. i never run away from my problems. i'm too stubborn. stubborn as fuck. i swear i am mental. i need help.
you know in howl's moving castle where she could switch worlds and there was the one world with the small cottage and the clear field with just fluffy grass and amazing open space and field and land, i want to go to a place like that. where there's no one except for me and my thoughts. where i can tumble and run around and be a little kid. i can't do a cartwheel but hey maybe i can try there. somewhere where i'm safe, nothing to worry about. no school. no college apps. no transcripts. no grades. no piano worries. no stupid people. no holidays. no homework. no projects. no video games. no tv.
just an unlimited amount of music supply, my grand piano, paper, pen, and me.
but as much as i want to, i can't run away. never.
right now,
i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do...
i feel like shit.
i don't know what to do. i want to cry myself to sleep every night and i want to just be like sleeping beauty and sleep for like 50 years and escape from all my fears, escape my problems, i want to run away from it all. i'm trying to see if anyone is home, but it's not working very well... i can't deal with this shit.
i can't deal with myself.
but i know i can't run away from my problems either. i'm not that kind of person. i never run away from my problems. i'm too stubborn. stubborn as fuck. i swear i am mental. i need help.
you know in howl's moving castle where she could switch worlds and there was the one world with the small cottage and the clear field with just fluffy grass and amazing open space and field and land, i want to go to a place like that. where there's no one except for me and my thoughts. where i can tumble and run around and be a little kid. i can't do a cartwheel but hey maybe i can try there. somewhere where i'm safe, nothing to worry about. no school. no college apps. no transcripts. no grades. no piano worries. no stupid people. no holidays. no homework. no projects. no video games. no tv.
just an unlimited amount of music supply, my grand piano, paper, pen, and me.
but as much as i want to, i can't run away. never.
right now,
i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do...
4 years.
Saturday November 17, 2012.
the most eventful moment of my senior year. the most exciting moment of my senior year. it was amazing.
eventful, crazy, hectic, and overall, amazing.
my dear section leader was pissed and sad that we weren't able to sit with our group of friends, but as the day went on, food, freshmen, and having the peace and calm of being able to sit with our section got to her and she seemed okay with it. i love her so much. she is adorable and amazing. i don't know how she does it, but she kept her patience and her temper and she turned out to be both the most amazing friend ever, but also one of the most amazing section leaders i have ever had (given i've only had 2). the year went by so fast though, so fast that i was oblivious to how amazing my dear friend could be at being... her. there's something about her that no one can replace. but moving on.
the 2 hour ride with my boyfriend to the last field show competition i would ever march in was relaxing. i got to sleep and realize how great the freshmen in my section are. the moment we got to the school, we went to find bathrooms, the lines were too long and we were so close to going in the guy's bathroom but decided not to... dinner was uneventful but peaceful. i hadn't realized that the dinner we had just eaten was the last of our marching band season. everything was going by so fast, we changed, blocked up, did our usual sectionals which was this time actually very pleasant, had a little freshmen mishap, and our full rehearsal of amazing music. the MUSIC was just...amazing. it was.. magical. we then had our inspirational speech from one of my best friends ever, and we were off.
then... the sprinklers. i was so proud of the whole band for staying set and staying in their spot until they were given instructions or if they were too close to the water. after the guard and the pit got soaked however, we were all flustered. at first it was funny, then not as much. after a while, the sprinklers turned off, the whole band was full of discipline and ready to kick ass and we performed.
the awards were amazing. everything announced from 5th place to 2nd place, i was so horribly nervous. when they were about to announce the scores i would squish my eyes together, grasp the fence, and just shut up all together. my favorite "freshie" was with me and kept me calm and kept me entertained while i was waiting and nervous as hell. it was nice to catch up with the boy. i realize why i may have mildly liked him last year. but anyway. the bonding time with him was amazing and fun, 2nd place was amazing. i told myself that i would be fine and i wouldn't cry, but as soon as i saw my amazing drum major up front and in person, i felt the tears roll down my face... it was all unreal. 4 years of heaven and hell put together, my band family, it was torn last year because of the 2012 graduating seniors but we kept together as girls and the few juniors in our group. i didn't realize how sad i would be that the 4 years of all my hard work and not knowing what the hell i was doing in the beginning would pay off. i never thought i would be anybody anywhere, but i was actually somewhat known in band... that's 190 kids that know me. i never thought that would happen.
so on the walk back to the buses i had more bonding time with dear "freshie". oh boy that kid... tried to pick me up more times than needed.
i got back to the bus to find my boyfriend in the seat...depressed. as soon as i saw that, i felt horrible. absolutely horrible. i wanted to charge to him and just give him the biggest hug ever, but of course i couldn't. i hadn't seen him that depressed in probably a year or so. i felt like the biggest bitch ever when he told me.. i just wanted to run away... i felt like the absolute biggest bitch ever. i'm the worst girlfriend ever. i'm sorry. anyway, after the talking and all, had some wonderful bonding time with my friends. in my last big band ride home.
all in all, eventful. wonderful. amazing. 2nd the best.
i can't believe that it's been 4 years. i remember back when i was a freshman and didn't know what to do because annie was with the sophomores and i was stuck being a nobody. and then.. i met andy. and little did i know that he would be one of the most important people i would ever meet. i love him so much. he is the best non biological mommie ever. and meeting my family... i never thought i would have so many friends and have them all be my family.
i can't believe 4 years of marching band has passed... all that hard work. i'll never be able to view braveheart, alice in wonderland, come sail away, where the wild things are, helen and paris, and yellow the same ever again.
marching band made my high school life worth it.
bittersweet ending. i'll miss you.
but then again.
i won't.
❤SHS Spartan Marching Band and Colorguard
the most eventful moment of my senior year. the most exciting moment of my senior year. it was amazing.
eventful, crazy, hectic, and overall, amazing.
my dear section leader was pissed and sad that we weren't able to sit with our group of friends, but as the day went on, food, freshmen, and having the peace and calm of being able to sit with our section got to her and she seemed okay with it. i love her so much. she is adorable and amazing. i don't know how she does it, but she kept her patience and her temper and she turned out to be both the most amazing friend ever, but also one of the most amazing section leaders i have ever had (given i've only had 2). the year went by so fast though, so fast that i was oblivious to how amazing my dear friend could be at being... her. there's something about her that no one can replace. but moving on.
the 2 hour ride with my boyfriend to the last field show competition i would ever march in was relaxing. i got to sleep and realize how great the freshmen in my section are. the moment we got to the school, we went to find bathrooms, the lines were too long and we were so close to going in the guy's bathroom but decided not to... dinner was uneventful but peaceful. i hadn't realized that the dinner we had just eaten was the last of our marching band season. everything was going by so fast, we changed, blocked up, did our usual sectionals which was this time actually very pleasant, had a little freshmen mishap, and our full rehearsal of amazing music. the MUSIC was just...amazing. it was.. magical. we then had our inspirational speech from one of my best friends ever, and we were off.
then... the sprinklers. i was so proud of the whole band for staying set and staying in their spot until they were given instructions or if they were too close to the water. after the guard and the pit got soaked however, we were all flustered. at first it was funny, then not as much. after a while, the sprinklers turned off, the whole band was full of discipline and ready to kick ass and we performed.
the awards were amazing. everything announced from 5th place to 2nd place, i was so horribly nervous. when they were about to announce the scores i would squish my eyes together, grasp the fence, and just shut up all together. my favorite "freshie" was with me and kept me calm and kept me entertained while i was waiting and nervous as hell. it was nice to catch up with the boy. i realize why i may have mildly liked him last year. but anyway. the bonding time with him was amazing and fun, 2nd place was amazing. i told myself that i would be fine and i wouldn't cry, but as soon as i saw my amazing drum major up front and in person, i felt the tears roll down my face... it was all unreal. 4 years of heaven and hell put together, my band family, it was torn last year because of the 2012 graduating seniors but we kept together as girls and the few juniors in our group. i didn't realize how sad i would be that the 4 years of all my hard work and not knowing what the hell i was doing in the beginning would pay off. i never thought i would be anybody anywhere, but i was actually somewhat known in band... that's 190 kids that know me. i never thought that would happen.
so on the walk back to the buses i had more bonding time with dear "freshie". oh boy that kid... tried to pick me up more times than needed.
i got back to the bus to find my boyfriend in the seat...depressed. as soon as i saw that, i felt horrible. absolutely horrible. i wanted to charge to him and just give him the biggest hug ever, but of course i couldn't. i hadn't seen him that depressed in probably a year or so. i felt like the biggest bitch ever when he told me.. i just wanted to run away... i felt like the absolute biggest bitch ever. i'm the worst girlfriend ever. i'm sorry. anyway, after the talking and all, had some wonderful bonding time with my friends. in my last big band ride home.
all in all, eventful. wonderful. amazing. 2nd the best.
i can't believe that it's been 4 years. i remember back when i was a freshman and didn't know what to do because annie was with the sophomores and i was stuck being a nobody. and then.. i met andy. and little did i know that he would be one of the most important people i would ever meet. i love him so much. he is the best non biological mommie ever. and meeting my family... i never thought i would have so many friends and have them all be my family.
i can't believe 4 years of marching band has passed... all that hard work. i'll never be able to view braveheart, alice in wonderland, come sail away, where the wild things are, helen and paris, and yellow the same ever again.
marching band made my high school life worth it.
bittersweet ending. i'll miss you.
but then again.
i won't.
❤SHS Spartan Marching Band and Colorguard
Monday, November 5, 2012
❦ṨṁīĿƎ☪
just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry && just because she comes off strong- doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.
❤
and.
oh. and i'm sorry i make your life so difficult and complicated and annoying and hard and challenging and not worth the fight and the effort.
i hope some day it'll be easier on you and it'll be worth it.
i hope you get what you want someday.
cause i don't think i can do it.
i can't do any of it.
nothing.
i hope some day it'll be easier on you and it'll be worth it.
i hope you get what you want someday.
cause i don't think i can do it.
i can't do any of it.
nothing.
belated.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEEARR JUUUUUUUSTTIINNNNN.
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy biiiiiiiiiirthdaaaaaaaaaaaay toooooooooooooooooooo yooooooooooooooouu~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(:
(belated)
hope you had an amazing one.
❤
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEEARR JUUUUUUUSTTIINNNNN.
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy biiiiiiiiiirthdaaaaaaaaaaaay toooooooooooooooooooo yooooooooooooooouu~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(:
(belated)
hope you had an amazing one.
❤
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