Black Friday

It's 5:33 am on November 28, 2014. 

I'm sitting in the car with my best friend and my other best friend while they're napping together. 

I miss you. 

For the past day and a half, i haven't been able to sleep well. I don't know what to do. 

I know I screwed up cause I forgot one of the things you really didn't like..and in the end, you were right. I just feel like you hate me now. You're mad and it'll never go away. I'm scared for our talk on Monday. 

Cause with everything going on in my life, you are what keeps me from breaking down and crying every night. I'm sorry to say, but it's true. 

I'm going through wars for you & now I fucked up and the whole thing might just fall to pieces. 

I just wish I knew what you're thinking. I just want to talk..I just want to hear your voice and see your face and see everything.. 

Because it'll probably be my last time if I'm even your girlfriend anymore. I don't know how I screwed up something this good, but it was the worst mistake. And i have a LOT more mistakes to cry about. 

"If you're nervous, it means you give a damn." 

It's 5:40 am on November 28, 2014. I'm nervous as fuck. 

I can't sleep.

I guess I can just never keep anything good. 

But I guess if it does end, at least..idk my mom will be happy.. 

I just hope he would be. 

This year is just not cut out for me...

After Friday, I'm sleeping and never waking up lol. 

The Fight Within.

Maybe.. Things would just be better if we really do break up. 

As much as I don't want to..ahah..

Aish.

我真的很強調。

我很生氣我自己的。

我該怎麼辦。

哎呦⋯

我真的很糟糕。

我不知道到該怎麼辦。

Accident.

I can't believe that happened....

What if they fix my baby and it's terrible and it's never the same..what if they cut a check to replace my baby? 

then I'd have had my first car for like.. 3 months. What the fuck. 

I'm a terrible person. It's my BABY. I LOVE THAT CAR. why.. T_T

That fucking asshole.. & my tires....my sumitomos. ALL THAT MONEY. JUST WENT DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN. THIS ASSHOLE. 

IM SO MAD. 

But now there's all this money trouble and we don't even have money to cover it and I need a job and I need to get better grades and now my insurance might go up and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. 

I CAN'T BREAK DOWN. 

I just.. 

My grandma said to think about the positives....I mean..I'm safe and I'm okay. But my parents.. I've already caused so much trouble.. And now this happens....the problem is that my first accident wasnt small...it was terribly huge. 

Positives positives.... 

My baby Gus Gus was towed by a man named Gus? That was cute. 

I'm safe.... I'm safe. 

I love you Gus Gus. 

Sometimes I wonder what would happen to the people around me that isn't my family, if I just died one day. 

The people that claimed they cared about me. That would be an interesting thing to know. 

Hm. 

Oh well. 

I like being alive. 

And I can say that with the utmost confidence. 

Romantic

Apparently I'm a die hard romantic. Not that disgusting notebook shit. 

But the little things. 

The things we do on dates. The chocolates and flowers. The cliche stupid shit. 

And to be honest, I do love that stuff. I guess you could say all the 80's 90's cliche stupid romantic stuff....I guess that's the way to my heart. 

Throwing your fist in the air cause you got the girl, giving a girl a guitar to make up for the time they screw up but opening their heart to them at the same time, having that cliche romance feel in the air when you kiss in that moment, picnics, museums, having class, dressing up to go on dates, keeping it classy and mature but at the same time stupid and dorky. 

Wow. 

Why can't I have that. 

I hope that they won't hate me. 

Quite possible that I'll ruin everything though.. 

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

It's something you say when you don't know what to say! 

Watched Saving Mr. Banks for the first time. My heart has been wrenched. It gave me a spoonful of sugar, to help the medicine go down. All the worries or bad things in my life, just watching that movie makes them all go away. I guess that's what Disney does to me. 

It makes me happy. 

Disney is my spoonful of sugar. 

This movie just brought me to tears. And what makes me even happier, is that the ending of Mr. Banks in the actual Mary Poppins, is more of what happened to me. Travers Goff wasnt my daddy. & even if he was, he would still be Mr. Banks to me. 

“Winds in the east, mist coming in. Like something is brewing, about to begin.”

Saving Mr. Banks is a movie that could save me. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

so now that the first school year of college has ended.. (sigh, why did it go by so quickly?)
i have decided to do a review of the past academic year! let's look at the good:

• made new best friends at school while keeping the ones over here. 
• met a guy that is amazing and really likes me, as annoying as his ass is. 
• i have become more clear about what i want to do with my life. 
• learned that college is pretty hard. 
• but everything is worth it. 
• spontaneous night adventures with good friends are the best things ever. 
• Disneyland is always the best remedy. 
• music is life. 
• Brendon Urie is amazing. 
• so is Dylan O'Brien.
• life gets better eventually. (even if eventually takes a while...)
• baking is my remedy. 
• and i love food. 
• the nights that you sleep the least, are the nights you remember the most. 

now....
looking at the..not so good?:

• while breaking up with Lucas gave me a better sense of being levelheaded, it was...an experience. 
• parents. disappointing them, getting them mad, wasting their money, i don't want to do any of this, but i always feel like i'm gonna do something to disappoint them. i'm not the daughter they want me to be. i'm not going to be a piano teacher like i said, i'm not smart in the logical aspect of academics like math or science like my dad, and i don't try. it will always overbear my mind. 
• college is pretty hard.... 
• sometimes, sleeping is bad... especially when it's to get away from your problems.
• some people are just not good people and need to know how to fix themselves. 
• i got involved with a person like that and the end result? not very pleasant... 
• i still have absolutely no fucking idea what i'm going to do with my life. 
• and what am i going to do about my parents not liking the guy that i like? 
• life always gets worse before it can get better. 

now,
to look at the experiences and what i have learned:

• sometimes, studying and staying in, is worth that one time of not being able to go out. 
• sometimes it's not. 
• my parents will always love me. as much as i let them down, and as much as i don't want to. 
• life moves too quickly for teenagers. and it's scary and an unknown void. but it's life. 
• life is hard. 
• don't date high schoolers when you're in college and you never talk to each other. 
• communication in a relationship is key. 
• STUDYING IS IMPORTANT.
• life will get better in time.

Update.

School is ending soon. 

And I still feel like shit. 

No Lucas. 

New guy. 

He makes me happy. 

But seriously. 

Still feeling like shit. 

Lovely. 

Beep.

I'm too stressed for life right now. 

I think I'm dying. 

Please leave a message after the beep. 

Beeeepp. 

Scared

Life is scary. 

Everything going on around me. Rushing by so fast. What the hell do I do? Can't time just stop and help me a bit? 

I don't want you to disappear, because you are one of the people I love most in my life right now.. You are one of the people besides my family that reassure me that everything will be okay..and I believe you..I trust you. 

Please don't take that away.. Please don't take advantage of me. 

And please, don't leave me alone. Not before we don't talk at least.. 

Help.

Who the fuck am I supposed to talk to when I'm feeling like this? Because I don't wanna bug you with this. But nobody else will accept it and love me still after.. 

What the fuck is going on with me. 

Somebody help..