Ugh.

If only it were easy enough to just be good friends and not have to worry about things. To talk the way I want and say things without worrying that I might lose the friend forever. If only I could easily talk to people and not wanna constantly talk to someone all the time. 

I have so many problems and some people just don't help. 

“亂七八糟”

我的生活很亂七八糟的啦。我真的很顛三倒四，不管我做什麼，我從，每一天每一天似乎總能搞糟。我的心臟，头脑，跟我的生活很痛了。我就很希望我將能夠時間倒流 ，所以我可以重新開始。每一天我騙我自己和騙我最愛的人，我出什麼問題了。。。

aish. maybe it's just the pms that's making me talk about this.

四月は君の嘘。

四月一日：

Shigatsu wa Kimi no uso. I didn't know what it was about. And then I started watching it and it's about stupid music. The more I get into it though..the more it's gonna hurt me. I'm only on episode 4, and it hurts. 

But not with the feels like it does for everyone else. 

It hurts me..inside. Because I'm like him, I just..can't play. I'm abandoning myself. I don't even know who I am anymore, and the more I play, the more lost I get. But I've abandoned myself already, because I stopped playing..

It hurts..I'm sad..I don't want to let go of this dream I've held for so long. 

And this stupid anime is giving me all these feelings that I've been ignoring. And now all I want to do is cry..because I don't even know who I am, or what I want anymore..

Black Friday

It's 5:33 am on November 28, 2014. 

I'm sitting in the car with my best friend and my other best friend while they're napping together. 

I miss you. 

For the past day and a half, i haven't been able to sleep well. I don't know what to do. 

I know I screwed up cause I forgot one of the things you really didn't like..and in the end, you were right. I just feel like you hate me now. You're mad and it'll never go away. I'm scared for our talk on Monday. 

Cause with everything going on in my life, you are what keeps me from breaking down and crying every night. I'm sorry to say, but it's true. 

I'm going through wars for you & now I fucked up and the whole thing might just fall to pieces. 

I just wish I knew what you're thinking. I just want to talk..I just want to hear your voice and see your face and see everything.. 

Because it'll probably be my last time if I'm even your girlfriend anymore. I don't know how I screwed up something this good, but it was the worst mistake. And i have a LOT more mistakes to cry about. 

"If you're nervous, it means you give a damn." 

It's 5:40 am on November 28, 2014. I'm nervous as fuck. 

I can't sleep.

I guess I can just never keep anything good. 

But I guess if it does end, at least..idk my mom will be happy.. 

I just hope he would be. 

This year is just not cut out for me...

After Friday, I'm sleeping and never waking up lol. 

The Fight Within.

Maybe.. Things would just be better if we really do break up. 

As much as I don't want to..ahah..

Aish.

我真的很強調。

我很生氣我自己的。

我該怎麼辦。

哎呦⋯

我真的很糟糕。

我不知道到該怎麼辦。

Accident.

I can't believe that happened....

What if they fix my baby and it's terrible and it's never the same..what if they cut a check to replace my baby? 

then I'd have had my first car for like.. 3 months. What the fuck. 

I'm a terrible person. It's my BABY. I LOVE THAT CAR. why.. T_T

That fucking asshole.. & my tires....my sumitomos. ALL THAT MONEY. JUST WENT DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN. THIS ASSHOLE. 

IM SO MAD. 

But now there's all this money trouble and we don't even have money to cover it and I need a job and I need to get better grades and now my insurance might go up and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. 

I CAN'T BREAK DOWN. 

I just.. 

My grandma said to think about the positives....I mean..I'm safe and I'm okay. But my parents.. I've already caused so much trouble.. And now this happens....the problem is that my first accident wasnt small...it was terribly huge. 

Positives positives.... 

My baby Gus Gus was towed by a man named Gus? That was cute. 

I'm safe.... I'm safe. 

I love you Gus Gus. 

Sometimes I wonder what would happen to the people around me that isn't my family, if I just died one day. 

The people that claimed they cared about me. That would be an interesting thing to know. 

Hm. 

Oh well. 

I like being alive. 

And I can say that with the utmost confidence. 

Romantic

Apparently I'm a die hard romantic. Not that disgusting notebook shit. 

But the little things. 

The things we do on dates. The chocolates and flowers. The cliche stupid shit. 

And to be honest, I do love that stuff. I guess you could say all the 80's 90's cliche stupid romantic stuff....I guess that's the way to my heart. 

Throwing your fist in the air cause you got the girl, giving a girl a guitar to make up for the time they screw up but opening their heart to them at the same time, having that cliche romance feel in the air when you kiss in that moment, picnics, museums, having class, dressing up to go on dates, keeping it classy and mature but at the same time stupid and dorky. 

Wow. 

Why can't I have that.