At this point,

Finals are next week. 

I'm fucking up my first semester of college. 

My boyfriend won't talk to me. 

I feel like crying and punching 5 million things at the same time. 

Fuck. 

Light

I guess right now, I'm just waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm waiting for the one candle to light and the rest to follow. 

I'm waiting for that one lantern to chain the rest like in tangled. 

It'll happen. 

I know. 

All In My Head:

It goes like this; 

The pissed me goes; FINE. Then be so annoyed and done with everything with some other bitch then. I'm trying to be happy for you so you can have a happy girlfriend to support you. I don't want you to have to deal with my fucking problems. That's why I'm trying to do this. 

The sad me goes; fine..I'll just sleep and sleep and sleep and you can go find another girl and be happy cause that's the main importance.. I'll support you.. 

The logical me goes; stop talking. Stop. Talking. To him. Tonight. You're just gonna screw yourself over and it's not gonna end well and this fight is just really stupid because he isn't telling you much and you're too emotionally overtaken. Stop. 

The emotional me goes; fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm sad. Fuck. I'm pissed. Fuck. I guess I'll just go be a little bitch in a corner by myself. 

The rest of me goes; WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FUCKED UP YOU LITTLE BITCH. stop talking to yourself and go vent your feelings so you don't screw things up with a guy that you love. Now go. 

And then sleep. And just hope for the best. Why do I hafta love a guy when I'm not even close to good enough for him..

3 words.

I miss you. 

Ok.

2 and a half fucking hours, and all I get is an Ok. 

Cool. Thanks. 

I definitely feel like the best girlfriend in the world, I definitely feel like even a good girlfriend, or even your girlfriend. 

Fuck you. 

What's even worse is that I'm not gonna get mad at you, I'm not even gonna tell you. 

Cause we can't fight. 

We don't fight. 

And even if we do, you don't even try to confront anything, and I can barely stay mad at you for more than like 3 hours. 

Just. 

Fuck. 

Save Myself.

Life isn't a game of hide and hide. 

We're not supposed to hide ourselves every time someone finds us. 

Life is a game of hide and seek. 

Where we are supposed to stick with the one that finds us hiding. 

That person is the person that knows you the most. 

Especially when you're hiding where no one can find you. 

But I'm hiding where no one can find me. 

And no one is gonna come looking for me. 

I'm gonna be here forever. 

Not because I'm not gonna have some regular old prince come rescue me. No. That's not what I want. 

This isn't something that I want my best friends for. I love them, but this is for my special one. 

No significant other has ever stayed. 

Not past a span of 10 months.. 

So what do I do now? 

I don't know what to do while I'm stuck hiding..

Because people are gonna walk by me and no one will actually stop and stick by me while I get out of my hiding spot that I dug...

I don't want anyone to save me. 

I just want someone to stay with me while I save myself..

So...

you know I did like you back then...2 years ago.. I just really didnt know what to do...I'd been in a situation before where I had a bf and this other guy came along. But the other guy ended up just being some jackass who wanted to see if he could get me to break up with my bf..and you were a white guy. A freshman. Someone I barely knew and was honestly kinda really scared to get to know, cause you were always really funny and entertaining and charming and shit. Idk. I guess I just put myself through the pain of being dumped before I got to you, even if you do end up dumping me too. But it's probably not even close to what I put you through.. And it turned out that I was the total bitch...idk why you stuck with waiting, whatever it is I really am happy you did..but I really am sorry too..for all the bullshit you had to go through.. 

I wonder

What would it have been like to meet my grandparents....

What advice they would have given me... 

Been able to be bored and listen to their stories...

Been able to learn more Chinese...

Been able to see the resemblance between my mother and them and myself and them... 

I wonder what it must have been like for them...

For my mom... 

I wish I could talk to them just once..something that will never happen..but a wish I'll always have.

Yeap. Thanks for reminding me that I'm the crappiest kid you could ever have. 

me plus life.

yeah.
i'm so done with life. so much crap it's unbelievable.
i'm me.
nowhere near perfect.
-i eat when i'm bored, i fall for boys easily, but i'll always love that one guy at the end of the day. i'm vulnerable, i'm bitchy, i'm mean, i live by my quotes every day of my life, i have best friends and enemies, if anyone so much as makes fun of my friends, i swear i will beat the living fucking daylight out of them, i'm dramatic, i have memories that i live off of, i'm emotional, and stupid. and absolutely contradictory.
-i'm weak. 
-i'm strong. 
-i'm ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
that is just who i am. got a problem? well i don't live, to serve bitches in life. SO DEAL WITH IT.
i shouldn't have to live my life pleasing a bunch of no good bitches that don't do anything to make me feel any better.

i'm the imperfectly perfect me. 

SOWHYCAN'TIDOANYTHINGPERFECT..