i really just need to do something

like.
my life right now is full of so much stress that i'm going crazy. i haven't had this overload on stress since like, maybe never? i'm so worried i'm not passing my classes cause i dgafed so hard and senior year. and if i don't pass, i'm so screwed and i can't graduate, and if i can't graduate i'm gonna like. kill myself. i just.
i can't handle myself right now.
i have so much shit to do. i stopped cussing for like 4 days. new record. and that was it. i can't. i just i can't do anything anymore. i really feel like just crying right now. and i don't even know why. i'm like shaking from all the crap i'm going through right now. and i just wanna be happy.
i'm getting shit from people because i moved on fast. well you know what? it wasn't fast for me. so screw whatever you think. cause that one week that i didn't talk to him, that one week that i left myself alone and was just depressed as fuck, it felt like years. it felt so long that by the end i realized, why the hell am i so depressed? i don't need to be. he doesn't care about me like that. so why am i like this? i don't need to be. so i stopped. plus talking to him actually helped. talking to the person who right now is making everything seem so much better for me. it helped. it made me realize that i just don't even need to try with that anymore. so why the fuck am i?
right?
so screw you people.

i have so much stuff to do my mind is getting tangled in webs and lines and circles? i just typed circles like 5 times because i couldn't even type it right.
i have to make sure i pass and get good grades in those 2 classes especially, i hafta make sure everything for college is set, i hafta get the disney grad nite thing done, i hafta set up for the banquet, i hafta practice piano like my life depends on it (which i does), i hafta practice with wataru, i hafta do the chinese project, i should probably get a message for the thing, class comp on friday, lesson and rehearsals next week, i'm graduating, i have a 2 day final the next 2 days, i have a final next week, i have another final next week.
i can't.. i can't do this anymore... i hafta rant.

i just really wanna eat my heart out, exercise my butt off, cry my eyes out, and watch disney movies and fall asleep with you right now... i just wanna talk to you. i just wanna hear your voice and see your face. let me know that i'm not alone.. that everything will be okay... i miss you..
i just want you here with me right now... i just want a full nice day with you alone. so we can just...party it up, talk, laugh, eat, just have fun with you. i want to be with you right now.
honestly, at the moment, that's all i want...

i hate being so weak.
i hate being so crappy.
and mean.
and annoying.
and ranty.
and stupid.
and stressed.
and weak.
and i hate the fact that i can't do anything right.
right now,
i just don't wanna be me.. 

Something.

So there's something stirring in me, like a gut feeling kinda, that something bad is happening. 

Something very bad is happening. 

Something that will leave me left alone again... 

I'm not sure though...

And I'm tired of being so negative with everything and everything that is going in with my life. There are things that I just can't handle anymore....I wanna just relax, party, have fun. 

i am so. Fucking. Tired. Of. My life. Being so negative. And so crappy. 

Ugh. 

Anyway. 

suck it in! 

I got this. 

life so farr.

"That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save"

we talked. 

i'm happy. (: 

it all seems so much better now hahaha. 

but... you still seem kinda...off. 

i feel like there's something you're not telling me... what aren't you telling me though..? and why won't you tell me..? and is there something wrong with me or something..? idk... haha. 

but other than that. i mean. i'm happy with most things. 

it's hard... it was hard. 

that week felt like forever. i know it was only 7 days but it felt like 5 months or something... it was so long, and torturous, and saddening for me... but then i started talking to him. and it made things seem not as bad. 

as much as that sounds really weird and kinda bad ish? i mean, who else would be there for me when you're not? that's the thing right? i'm not good with friends that are girls. maybe that's why... or something. i'm not exactly sure... i'm not the best.. hahaha. but i'm really happy with being your friend now. so... we're okay yeah? i still wanna help you as much as possible because i know that there is always something you might want help with. so just lemme know. (: 

you're my best friend.

that will never change. 

on another note, i can't wait for prom ahaha. well, i mean, idk. i thought things were gonna be good good but probably not all good but who cares. i got a good date. we're having good conversations. i'm happy with that much. trying to focus on the happier things. 

screw the shit that makes me depressed lol. 

Lemme ask.

Do you even appreciate me being your gf? A tiny bit?
Probably not.
I'm not just some girl that's gonna be here for entertainment purposes when you're bored. Just saying.
I love you.
But come on....

Second ?

I absolutely love being second to League....and I admit it's fun and entertaining but I guess it's more important than me...
Joy..

choices

always interfering in my choices. 

always having some kind of problem with all of my choices. 

at some point in life, you're not gonna be able to make all my choices for me, mother
and then, i ask you what the hell i did wrong, and you don't even give me a decent or right answer... ugh..

Joy....

More fighting between my parents.. About money.
Again...
I have a feeling my sleep is gonna be restless tonight. Thinking about why and me and all that I've caused...again..

i need to have more fun more often

mistakes

i think one of the hardest things for me to do, is to go past my mistakes in life and everything that is going wrong and all the crap that is happening, and learn from it and be happy with even all that stuff going on. i don't know why it is so hard for me.. 

but i think the problem is, that i start to get happy and everything even though my life isn't really all that great, and then i start thinking. that's where everything gets me. i think. 

i over think. 

i under think. 

i use my head too much and think of all the possibilities of everything and anything in the world, and then i get rid of all the positive opportunities and all that's left is everything negative that has happened or that will or that is or just anything.

i keep on over thinking. 

i have my dreams and i don't give up on them, but then my mind causes trouble and it over thinks and i have a hard time stopping it. it makes me just wanna scream and shout and let it all out. and cry and collapse and fall and curl up into a ball and just cry and cry and cry and disappear until somebody.. reaches out to help me.. so i won't cry alone, so i have a shoulder to cry on... 

everything that's been happening. 

if i don't let it all out, soon enough, it's gonna eat me from the inside. i already know it. 

all the mistakes that i have made, am making, and will make, what do i do? i mean i know i have to fix them, so why don't i fix them? what is wrong with me... 

i just wanna scream... and cry.... and curl up into a ball.... but then i also want someone to save me.. 

i know i shouldn't. and i know i don't half the time. most of the time i just want someone to hold my hand and be there for me while i save myself. 

but right now.. i just need someone to save me... help me let it out and just.. help me as i cry... 

idk what's wrong with me.. idk what to do anymore..

cause i know exactly who i want it to be..

"A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true. "- Cinderella

"No doubt you saw the whole pretty picture in detail. The young prince bowing to the assembly. Suddenly, he stops, he looks up, for lo... there she stands. The girl of his dreams, who she is or whence she came, he knows not, nor does he care, for his heart tells him that here, here is the maid predestined to be his bride." 

♥
I wanna watch Cinderella...all those Disney princess movies and stories.. all those happy endings. Right now, that's all I want...