Ugh.

If only it were easy enough to just be good friends and not have to worry about things. To talk the way I want and say things without worrying that I might lose the friend forever. If only I could easily talk to people and not wanna constantly talk to someone all the time. 

I have so many problems and some people just don't help. 

“亂七八糟”

我的生活很亂七八糟的啦。我真的很顛三倒四，不管我做什麼，我從，每一天每一天似乎總能搞糟。我的心臟，头脑，跟我的生活很痛了。我就很希望我將能夠時間倒流 ，所以我可以重新開始。每一天我騙我自己和騙我最愛的人，我出什麼問題了。。。

aish. maybe it's just the pms that's making me talk about this.

四月は君の嘘。

四月一日：

Shigatsu wa Kimi no uso. I didn't know what it was about. And then I started watching it and it's about stupid music. The more I get into it though..the more it's gonna hurt me. I'm only on episode 4, and it hurts. 

But not with the feels like it does for everyone else. 

It hurts me..inside. Because I'm like him, I just..can't play. I'm abandoning myself. I don't even know who I am anymore, and the more I play, the more lost I get. But I've abandoned myself already, because I stopped playing..

It hurts..I'm sad..I don't want to let go of this dream I've held for so long. 

And this stupid anime is giving me all these feelings that I've been ignoring. And now all I want to do is cry..because I don't even know who I am, or what I want anymore..

Black Friday

It's 5:33 am on November 28, 2014. 

I'm sitting in the car with my best friend and my other best friend while they're napping together. 

I miss you. 

For the past day and a half, i haven't been able to sleep well. I don't know what to do. 

I know I screwed up cause I forgot one of the things you really didn't like..and in the end, you were right. I just feel like you hate me now. You're mad and it'll never go away. I'm scared for our talk on Monday. 

Cause with everything going on in my life, you are what keeps me from breaking down and crying every night. I'm sorry to say, but it's true. 

I'm going through wars for you & now I fucked up and the whole thing might just fall to pieces. 

I just wish I knew what you're thinking. I just want to talk..I just want to hear your voice and see your face and see everything.. 

Because it'll probably be my last time if I'm even your girlfriend anymore. I don't know how I screwed up something this good, but it was the worst mistake. And i have a LOT more mistakes to cry about. 

"If you're nervous, it means you give a damn." 

It's 5:40 am on November 28, 2014. I'm nervous as fuck. 

I can't sleep.

I guess I can just never keep anything good. 

But I guess if it does end, at least..idk my mom will be happy.. 

I just hope he would be. 

This year is just not cut out for me...

After Friday, I'm sleeping and never waking up lol. 

The Fight Within.

Maybe.. Things would just be better if we really do break up. 

As much as I don't want to..ahah..

Aish.

我真的很強調。

我很生氣我自己的。

我該怎麼辦。

哎呦⋯

我真的很糟糕。

我不知道到該怎麼辦。

Accident.

I can't believe that happened....

What if they fix my baby and it's terrible and it's never the same..what if they cut a check to replace my baby? 

then I'd have had my first car for like.. 3 months. What the fuck. 

I'm a terrible person. It's my BABY. I LOVE THAT CAR. why.. T_T

That fucking asshole.. & my tires....my sumitomos. ALL THAT MONEY. JUST WENT DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN. THIS ASSHOLE. 

IM SO MAD. 

But now there's all this money trouble and we don't even have money to cover it and I need a job and I need to get better grades and now my insurance might go up and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. 

I CAN'T BREAK DOWN. 

I just.. 

My grandma said to think about the positives....I mean..I'm safe and I'm okay. But my parents.. I've already caused so much trouble.. And now this happens....the problem is that my first accident wasnt small...it was terribly huge. 

Positives positives.... 

My baby Gus Gus was towed by a man named Gus? That was cute. 

I'm safe.... I'm safe. 

I love you Gus Gus. 

Sometimes I wonder what would happen to the people around me that isn't my family, if I just died one day. 

The people that claimed they cared about me. That would be an interesting thing to know. 

Hm. 

Oh well. 

I like being alive. 

And I can say that with the utmost confidence. 

Romantic

Apparently I'm a die hard romantic. Not that disgusting notebook shit. 

But the little things. 

The things we do on dates. The chocolates and flowers. The cliche stupid shit. 

And to be honest, I do love that stuff. I guess you could say all the 80's 90's cliche stupid romantic stuff....I guess that's the way to my heart. 

Throwing your fist in the air cause you got the girl, giving a girl a guitar to make up for the time they screw up but opening their heart to them at the same time, having that cliche romance feel in the air when you kiss in that moment, picnics, museums, having class, dressing up to go on dates, keeping it classy and mature but at the same time stupid and dorky. 

Wow. 

Why can't I have that. 

I hope that they won't hate me. 

Quite possible that I'll ruin everything though.. 

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

It's something you say when you don't know what to say! 

Watched Saving Mr. Banks for the first time. My heart has been wrenched. It gave me a spoonful of sugar, to help the medicine go down. All the worries or bad things in my life, just watching that movie makes them all go away. I guess that's what Disney does to me. 

It makes me happy. 

Disney is my spoonful of sugar. 

This movie just brought me to tears. And what makes me even happier, is that the ending of Mr. Banks in the actual Mary Poppins, is more of what happened to me. Travers Goff wasnt my daddy. & even if he was, he would still be Mr. Banks to me. 

“Winds in the east, mist coming in. Like something is brewing, about to begin.”

Saving Mr. Banks is a movie that could save me. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

so now that the first school year of college has ended.. (sigh, why did it go by so quickly?)
i have decided to do a review of the past academic year! let's look at the good:

• made new best friends at school while keeping the ones over here. 
• met a guy that is amazing and really likes me, as annoying as his ass is. 
• i have become more clear about what i want to do with my life. 
• learned that college is pretty hard. 
• but everything is worth it. 
• spontaneous night adventures with good friends are the best things ever. 
• Disneyland is always the best remedy. 
• music is life. 
• Brendon Urie is amazing. 
• so is Dylan O'Brien.
• life gets better eventually. (even if eventually takes a while...)
• baking is my remedy. 
• and i love food. 
• the nights that you sleep the least, are the nights you remember the most. 

now....
looking at the..not so good?:

• while breaking up with Lucas gave me a better sense of being levelheaded, it was...an experience. 
• parents. disappointing them, getting them mad, wasting their money, i don't want to do any of this, but i always feel like i'm gonna do something to disappoint them. i'm not the daughter they want me to be. i'm not going to be a piano teacher like i said, i'm not smart in the logical aspect of academics like math or science like my dad, and i don't try. it will always overbear my mind. 
• college is pretty hard.... 
• sometimes, sleeping is bad... especially when it's to get away from your problems.
• some people are just not good people and need to know how to fix themselves. 
• i got involved with a person like that and the end result? not very pleasant... 
• i still have absolutely no fucking idea what i'm going to do with my life. 
• and what am i going to do about my parents not liking the guy that i like? 
• life always gets worse before it can get better. 

now,
to look at the experiences and what i have learned:

• sometimes, studying and staying in, is worth that one time of not being able to go out. 
• sometimes it's not. 
• my parents will always love me. as much as i let them down, and as much as i don't want to. 
• life moves too quickly for teenagers. and it's scary and an unknown void. but it's life. 
• life is hard. 
• don't date high schoolers when you're in college and you never talk to each other. 
• communication in a relationship is key. 
• STUDYING IS IMPORTANT.
• life will get better in time.

Update.

School is ending soon. 

And I still feel like shit. 

No Lucas. 

New guy. 

He makes me happy. 

But seriously. 

Still feeling like shit. 

Lovely. 

Beep.

I'm too stressed for life right now. 

I think I'm dying. 

Please leave a message after the beep. 

Beeeepp. 

Scared

Life is scary. 

Everything going on around me. Rushing by so fast. What the hell do I do? Can't time just stop and help me a bit? 

I don't want you to disappear, because you are one of the people I love most in my life right now.. You are one of the people besides my family that reassure me that everything will be okay..and I believe you..I trust you. 

Please don't take that away.. Please don't take advantage of me. 

And please, don't leave me alone. Not before we don't talk at least.. 

Help.

Who the fuck am I supposed to talk to when I'm feeling like this? Because I don't wanna bug you with this. But nobody else will accept it and love me still after.. 

What the fuck is going on with me. 

Somebody help.. 

At this point,

Finals are next week. 

I'm fucking up my first semester of college. 

My boyfriend won't talk to me. 

I feel like crying and punching 5 million things at the same time. 

Fuck. 

Light

I guess right now, I'm just waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm waiting for the one candle to light and the rest to follow. 

I'm waiting for that one lantern to chain the rest like in tangled. 

It'll happen. 

I know. 

All In My Head:

It goes like this; 

The pissed me goes; FINE. Then be so annoyed and done with everything with some other bitch then. I'm trying to be happy for you so you can have a happy girlfriend to support you. I don't want you to have to deal with my fucking problems. That's why I'm trying to do this. 

The sad me goes; fine..I'll just sleep and sleep and sleep and you can go find another girl and be happy cause that's the main importance.. I'll support you.. 

The logical me goes; stop talking. Stop. Talking. To him. Tonight. You're just gonna screw yourself over and it's not gonna end well and this fight is just really stupid because he isn't telling you much and you're too emotionally overtaken. Stop. 

The emotional me goes; fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm sad. Fuck. I'm pissed. Fuck. I guess I'll just go be a little bitch in a corner by myself. 

The rest of me goes; WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FUCKED UP YOU LITTLE BITCH. stop talking to yourself and go vent your feelings so you don't screw things up with a guy that you love. Now go. 

And then sleep. And just hope for the best. Why do I hafta love a guy when I'm not even close to good enough for him..