I wonder

What would it have been like to meet my grandparents....

What advice they would have given me... 

Been able to be bored and listen to their stories...

Been able to learn more Chinese...

Been able to see the resemblance between my mother and them and myself and them... 

I wonder what it must have been like for them...

For my mom... 

I wish I could talk to them just once..something that will never happen..but a wish I'll always have.

Yeap. Thanks for reminding me that I'm the crappiest kid you could ever have. 

me plus life.

yeah.
i'm so done with life. so much crap it's unbelievable.
i'm me.
nowhere near perfect.
-i eat when i'm bored, i fall for boys easily, but i'll always love that one guy at the end of the day. i'm vulnerable, i'm bitchy, i'm mean, i live by my quotes every day of my life, i have best friends and enemies, if anyone so much as makes fun of my friends, i swear i will beat the living fucking daylight out of them, i'm dramatic, i have memories that i live off of, i'm emotional, and stupid. and absolutely contradictory.
-i'm weak. 
-i'm strong. 
-i'm ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
that is just who i am. got a problem? well i don't live, to serve bitches in life. SO DEAL WITH IT.
i shouldn't have to live my life pleasing a bunch of no good bitches that don't do anything to make me feel any better.

i'm the imperfectly perfect me. 

SOWHYCAN'TIDOANYTHINGPERFECT..

what if

so... what if i don't make it?
what if you find another girl in high school?
what if i do make it? then what?
what if i change my major?
what if it's a mistake being in music?
what if i stay in music and i fuck my whole life up?
what if i change my major and that's a mistake?
what if you just up and leave me?
what if things change while i'm gone?
what if you change while i'm gone?
what if you find another person to replace me?
what if you realize that there are better girls out there?
what if you don't miss me?
what if someone else comes and takes you away from me?
what if college isn't all that everyone is saying it will be?
what if i get too homesick?
what if i don't make friends?
what if i'm really scared...

there are so many what if's in my life right now.
i just wanna get up and run away from everything.
just. just fuck everything man.
i wanna cry and have a bunch of chocolate and then run away and then go to the beach and then go to disneyland and then live there and stay there for the rest of my life.
gawd.

summer

i just want a nice clean, cool, fun, stress free summer.
for once in my life.
is that so bad to ask for?

why can't i have just that... it's not that hard is it?
god damn.
why do i mess up everything good i try and have.