i just don't even know anymore.
everything is just too fucked up.

shit.

can i just go... 

disappear and die now. 

too much stress.

juggling a social life, trying to pull my school life together, piano, and on top of that, BAND. 

band is my life. 

but it CAN'T be my life right now. it takes up WAY TOO freaking much of my time... 

no one's home.

come back later.

Bed.

I really just wanna go into my bed. Curl up into a ball. Cry quietly for a very very long time. And then just. Disappear.
I want to disappear to a place where everything is peaceful. No worries in the air. I want to go to a place that is like the mountain fresh air and space in Taiwan and all there is, is a 7-11, a night market, a bed, and my beautiful baby grand piano in the middle of the field.
No worries.
No college.
No school.
No life.
No prep.
No stress.
No crying.
No worrying.
No whining.
I know it's too much to ask. But right now. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

I cry myself to sleep at night and I wear myself down at like 10 PM. I'm tired all the time and I absolutely cannot cure it. I try and be happy but for some reason there's something that always comes knocking and killing that happiness.
I want to sleep all the time yet I lay awake drowning in my tears thinking about life and not being able to fall asleep because I am so worried and caught up in the stress of getting into college, getting denied from colleges. And ALL OF IT IS KILLING ME. Crying myself to sleep at night. Breaking down mentally but not letting it get to me on the outside. I swear I've had more mental breakdowns than I've had in years. I've cried myself to sleep more than I have in about 5 years.

I need my bed.
I just want to curl up into a ball and slowly and quietly disappear.
It's not like anyone's gonna notice.